A Vow to Sovereignty

I came across a question today:

“Can you still love someone deeply if they are completely free to leave?”

It was from an Instagram carousel post and it was the 10th and last slide.

I remember saying 10 is the number of completion.

It’s also about new beginnings, independence, leadership, and embracing healthy love with honest communication, emotional growth, and confidence.

Deeper connections.

It made me think of the ways I view love and how I’m wanting freedom and structure at the same time.

I want to be close consistently while having freedom. A once a week or every other week or every month or every two months or every three months agreement about catching up in-person makes me feel safe. A separate life outside of a relationship makes me feel safe too.

But how much of my perceived safety actually means control, reassurance, and the fear of losing someone that sees my entire being?

It makes me think of my friends and the stories of people who are in committed relationships and yet when they unmask in front of me, their love for their partners sound like a burden or a bad taste in their mouth that stays unrinsed for more than 24 hours.

And they can’t seem to let go.

I’m now faced with an unavoidable question:

“What do I need from you and can I let go of the certainty that you will stay exactly as I need you?”

I used to always say that I change a lot and I’m allowing my relationships to evolve so I can always approach them with curiosity. Allowing them to reintroduce themselves. Accepting that they are different a week ago, a month ago, 3 months ago, a year ago.

But right now as I look at this question, I remember a hand I trust reach for me and the look of surprise followed by a smile as I instinctively intertwined my fingers with theirs and said, “No” like I was about to cry but still managed to smile.

It was a smile that felt like acceptance and letting go.

“You’re going to be good.”

“You too.”

We started walking while smiling at each other as we let the distance increase.

The 10th slide asked: “Can you still love someone deeply if they are completely free to leave?”

I said yes like it was a vow to sovereignty.